


Anthony J. Crowley, Esq., Ace Attorney

by LeilaKalomi



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Alternate Universe - Ace Attorney world, Alternate Universe - Lawyers, Aziraphale is "just enough of a bastard to be worth knowing" (Good Omens), Courtroom Drama, Defense Attorney Crowley, Except Heaven is the Prosecutors' Office, Gen, Heaven is Terrible (Good Omens), M/M, Murder Mystery, No Sex, Prosecutor Aziraphale, Protective Crowley (Good Omens), the graphic violence is just the initial offscreen murder
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-28
Updated: 2020-07-14
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:15:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,864
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24963610
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LeilaKalomi/pseuds/LeilaKalomi
Summary: Crowley is a scrappy defense attorney whose only claim to fame is defeating Aziraphale, a young, but already renowned, prosecutor in the city of Eden.Unfortunately, Aziraphale is now suspected of murdering a fellow prosecutor. Crowley simply cannot let that stand, so he sets out to defend his beloved rival.Welcome to a world where trials take place the day after the arrest and prosecutors are celebrities: It's Good Omens, Ace Attorney style.
Relationships: Aziraphale & Crowley (Good Omens), Aziraphale & Gabriel (Good Omens), Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens), Crowley & Anathema Device
Comments: 18
Kudos: 38
Collections: Good AUmens AU Fest





	1. Investigation: Day 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Liquid_Lyrium](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Liquid_Lyrium/gifts).

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crowley and his assistant, Anathema (book girl), are having a slow day at the office when the local news reveals something shocking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw: description of a murder
> 
> thank you to squiddz and madeofmydreams for beta reading!

**August 12, 11:50 AM**

**St. James Office Park**

**Crowley Law Office**

_Crowley turns off his computer and faces Anathema, who is overwatering the ficus by the door as she watches TV._

Crowley: Oy, book girl! Leave that one alone.

_(If I don’t stop her, she’ll kill it like she did the aloe. And the snake plant. Oh, the snake plant. That was a good one.)_

Anathema: Right. Remind me which one it is I’m supposed to water at the full moon, then? Or was it the new moon?

Crowley: Neither. The moon literally could not matter less. It’s at sundown or sunrise. But basically _you_ just leave most of them alone, yeah?

TV: ...breaking news, there has been a murder at the Eden Prosecutor’s Office.

Crowley: Turn that up.

TV: Inside sources have revealed that the victim is one Sandy L. Phon, aged 58. Aziraphale Fell, previously considered the rising star of the prosecutorial office, even nicknamed the Guardian of Eden, is currently in custody, suspected of the murder, which took place at midnight.

( _Aziraphale? He wouldn’t. He would never. Aziraphale? With his soft hands and sweet smiles. With his flinty eyes and...well, he can be a bit of a bastard. But murder?_ )

Crowley: Aziraphale would never—

Anathema: Are you OK?

Crowley: They’ve arrested Aziraphale!

Anathema: The prosecutor? But his aura was _violet._

Crowley: Arrgghh! Come _on_ , Anathema! This is urgent.

**August 12**

**Detention Center**

**Visitor’s Room**

_Aziraphale appears behind the glass. He frowns at the sight of his guests._

Aziraphale: Oh, good lord.

Crowley: Hey...hey, angel.

Aziraphale: Why do you insist on that moniker? What are you doing here?

Crowley: Guardian of Eden, yeah? ’S an angel. So.

_(Why is he looking at me like that? Why is my face so hot?)_

Anathema: Oh, my gosh, do you guys—

Aziraphale: So, come to smirk at me, have you? Oh, I did hope you wouldn’t come. I hoped you wouldn’t see me like this.

Crowley: Hey, no, look. Nothing about this is funny. Why don’t you tell me your side of the story?

_**What Happened** _

Aziraphale: Is this some kind of a trick? Why should I tell you anything?

Crowley: No trick. Would I lie to you?

Aziraphale: Obviously. You’re a lawyer; it’s what you do.

Crowley: No, it’s not a lie. I’m not lying.

Anathema: We came to help you.

_Aziraphale’s eyes widen and he looks away._

Aziraphale: We’re on opposite sides.

Crowley: Not anymore. Not this time. We’re on our side.

Aziraphale: You’re being ridiculous. Why should I let you defend me?

_Crowley looks around._

Crowley: I don’t exactly see any of your high-powered buddies rushing to your aid. Looks like you might not have much of a choice. And we’re friends.

Aziraphale: Friends? We’re not friends. We are a prosecutor and a defense attorney. We have nothing whatsoever in common—I don’t even _like_ you.

Crowley: You _dooo_!

Anathema: Uh, guys, maybe we should try to focus?

Crowley: What happened, Aziraphale? He was killed at the office, yeah?

Aziraphale: Yes. It was...last night.

Crowley: Midnight. Why were you still there so late?

Aziraphale: Oh, I’m frequently there quite late. As it happened, I _wasn’t_ there last night. I left before midnight.

Crowley: But you _were_ there. _Inside_ the building.

Aziraphale: Well, yes.

Crowley: Did anyone see you come, leave? Back up your time of departure?

Aziraphale: No. Shadwell does his rounds for security at 2 a.m. and 6 a.m. generally. So no one was _there_. Well, except for Phon, of course.

Crowley: And the killer.

Anathema: Unless Mr. Fell really did—

Crowley: Arrghh! Don’t be ridiculous. Let’s go.

**August 12**

**Prosecutors’ Office**

**Front Desk**

Tracy: Coo-ee, Mr. Crowley! I recognize you from the TV. Defeating Mr. Aziraphale can’t be an easy thing, and look at you! What is it, three times now?

Anathema: Yup! We completely _owned_ him.

Crowley: Oi! That’s our client you’re talking about.

Anathema: Well, he didn’t actually hire us. Technically.

_There is barking from an office down the hallway._

( _Is there...a dog in the prosecutors’ office?_ )

Tracy: I’m sorry, I forgot myself. Hello, there! Welcome to the prosecutors’ office.

Crowley: Uh, yeah. Hi. And you are?

Tracy: I’m Tracy, the receptionist, and Mr. Gabriel’s _executive_ assistant. Ooh, are you here about the murder?

Crowley: They arrested Aziraphale.

Tracy: Oh, yes. I did see that. And isn’t it a mess?

( _Good to see someone agrees._ )

Tracy: Although they didn’t like each other at all. Came to blows, or so I hear. Ms. Ursula had to hold Mr. Aziraphale back.

Anathema: Oh, that is not good.

( _Blows? Aziraphale? Oh, that really is not good. Maybe I don’t know him as well as I thought._ )

_The dog barks again, and a small boy runs by, pursued by the dog._

Crowley: What—?

Tracy: Oh, that’s Mr. Gabriel’s son, Adam, and Dog.

Anathema: What’s his name?

Tracy: Dog, I believe I said.

Anathema: But—

Crowley: It’s a dog, name of Dog. Leave it.

Crowley: Tracy, what can you tell us about Aziraphale and Sandy L. Phon?

Tracy: Well, I can’t say as I rightly know what the problem was. Best to ask Mr. Gabriel. Or—well…

_Someone coughs._

Crowley: Or, well?

Tracy: Well, there is the security footage. But you’d have to get that from Mr. Shadwell, and he’s not here.

Crowley: Yes, Shadwell.

( _Aziraphale mentioned a Shadwell._ )

Someone: Excuse me.

Crowley: Where would I find this Shadwell?

Someone: HELLO! Have I gone invisible? Not surprising, really.

_Crowley turns to see a young man in glasses fumbling with a badge and an iPad._

( _Oh, goody. Police. Bit young, this one, isn’t he?_ )

Crowley: _What?_

Anathema: Oh, _hello_.

Newt: Hi. I’m, uh, Newt. Police. Detective, I mean.

Crowley: Clearly.

Tracy: Hello, dear.

Newt: I can show you to security, if you like. But I think this is what you’re looking for. Made a backup, just in case.

_Newt gives Crowley a copy of the security video._

Crowley: Shit, wow. Thanks, yeah. Huh.

( _Maybe he doesn’t realize we’re not technically on the same side._ )

Newt: No problem! Always best to avoid Shadwell whenever possible.

Crowley: While we’ve got you, would you mind telling us a little bit about the facts of this investigation?

Newt: Glad to! It’s not like—

_Newt pauses, looks around, and lowers his voice._

Newt: It’s not like I think Mr. Fell really did anything wrong.

_Newt takes out an iPad, drops it, retrieves it, then attempts to turn it on. It won’t turn on. He sighs._

_(If this is the way he’s handling the investigation, then I’d say we’ve got nothing to worry about.)_

Newt: All right. I’ll just have to tell you the old-fashioned way.

Crowley: Fine.

_**The Investigation** _

Crowley: So, what exactly happened?

Newt: You mean you don’t know?

_Newt adjusts his glasses and stares._

Crowley: Obviously not. Why would I ask you if I already knew?

_Newt coughs nervously._

Newt: Well, last night, there were five people in the building after hours: Shadwell, the security guard, Ursula Riel and Michael Vengeance, Senior Prosecutors, Sandy L. Phon, the victim and also a Senior Prosecutor, and Aziraphale, your client and a prosecutor. At about eleven thirty, Aziraphale had a run in with the Senior Prosecutors that resulted in an altercation. After the altercation, Ursula Riel and Michael Vengeance left the building. We have footage of them leaving. Your client claims _he_ left through the rear entrance shortly after, but we have no evidence of that. Then at midnight, the murder occured. You can see the flash on the tape.

Anathema: The flash?

Newt: From the sword. His flaming sword. Here.

_Newt produces a photo of the sword, a bright, thick blade with a button to press that allows it to emit fire._

_Then he hands Crowley a photo of the corpse. The body is on its back, a sword protruding from the chest, with black scorch marks all over the chest, the suit is partly burned away, exposing charred, bloody flesh._

Crowley: Aaah.

Anathema: Yeesh.

( _That is definitely his sword. Oh, this does not look good. Aziraphale? Could you do something like this?_ )

Crowley: I guess we ought to watch the tape, then.

_Newt looks sadly at his iPad._

Newt: Tracy, could we?

Tracy: Oh, of course, love. Just hand it here.

_Tracy rotates her monitor and inserts the thumb drive into her computer. The video begins to play._

_**The Video** _

_The video shows the darkened hallways. The timestamp is 11:23, and Aziraphale, clasping his hands together, is walking down the hall. Sandy L. Phon, approaching from the other direction with Ursula Riel and Michael Vengeance, stops him. They look to be having a conversation that grows heated. The others advance on Aziraphale and he backs up, against the wall. Phon’s body tightens and he leans forward, punching the junior prosecutor hard in the belly. Riel holds Aziraphale in place after._

_(That doesn’t look like she’s holding him back, so much as keeping him from falling.)_

_Riel, Phon, and Vengeance continue walking, leaving Aziraphale in place. Riel and Vengeance exit the building, but Phon turns around and heads in the opposite direction, presumably to return to his office. After a few moments, Aziraphale continues walking down the hall. The timestamp is 11:37._

Crowley: They attacked him! She wasn’t holding him back!

Newt: Well, yeah. But of course they’ll say that’s motive. Here.

_Newt presses fast forward, then slows down at timestamp 11:45, as Aziraphale returns, walking in the opposite direction, back toward his office. Then fast forwards again, this time for much longer, until the timestamp reads midnight. There’s a flash on the screen, as of flames. After another minute, there’s rapid motion, and sudden darkness, then a blur of black as Sandy L. Phon’s slumped body appears just in view of the camera. Nothing else happens until timestamp 1:52 a.m., when a security guard appears on camera, staring down at the body and retrieving his cell phone to call the police._

Anathema: Whoa. That’s really not promising.

Newt: Oh, I really wish you wouldn’t say that.

( _Me too._ )

Newt: It’s just, this is the first time I’ve just not wanted to...be a detective, you know? Mr. Fell...he was always _decent_ to me.

( _That sounds like Aziraphale._ )

Crowley: We’ll figure this out. We have to. The trial is tomorrow.

Tracy: Aren’t you sweet? Going out of your way to defend your adversary.

Anathema: I don’t think they’re really—

Crowley: Shut it, both of you. I’m not _sweet_. I’m a defense attorney. It’s my _job_.

Tracy: Oh, whatever you say, love.

Newt: Well, I’ll leave you to it.

_Newt walks away._

Crowley: Are any of the other prosecutors around? It would be good to get some witnesses.

Tracy: I’ll check their schedules and see who’s free.

_Something small slams into Crowley. There is barking._

( _Oww. That hurt._ )

Adam: Sorry!

Crowley: Oi, watch it, kid.

_Dog continues barking._

Anathema: Hi there, little boy! Would you like some chocolate?

Handsome Man: Oh, is he bothering you?

_Dog stops barking._

Handsome Man: Adam, go back to my office and leave these people alone.

Handsome Man: Can I help you?

Tracy: Mr. Crowley, Miss Anathema, this is Mr. Gabriel.

Anathema: The _Chief Prosecutor_???

( _For somebody’s sake, Anathema, it’s not like he’s a celebrity._ )

**_The Chief Prosecutor_ **

Mr. Gabriel: Why, yes, I _am_ the Chief Prosecutor.

_Gabriel offers a small bow._

_(Oh, no. This is the guy I have to go up against? How am I supposed to stand being around him long enough to get through a trial.)_

Adam: He wins all of his cases!

Gabriel: Adam, now!

_Adam runs away. Dog follows, barking at employees as they pass._

Gabriel: I’m sorry about that. I recognize you now. The Serpent of Eden.

Anathema: What do you know about the murder of Sandy L. Phon?

Gabriel: Ah. You must be here on behalf of Aziraphale. I’m surprised he’d hire a snake—excuse me, a _defense attorney_ —like you.

_Crowley hisses. Gabriel laughs._

Gabriel: I see why they call you that.

_(And I see why they say this man acts like he thinks he’s the actual archangel fucking Gabriel.)_

Gabriel: Unfortunately, I can’t help you with the case. It would be a conflict of interest.

Crowley: I don’t understand. I thought you were Aziraphale’s mentor. Don’t you want to see him cleared?

Gabriel: Unfortunately, duty calls. It’s not about what I want. I’m a prosecutor. My duty is to the law.

Crowley: Wait—

Tracy: Mr. Gabriel, you don’t mean—?

_Gabriel offers another small bow._

Gabriel: That’s right. I’ll be prosecuting this case.

Anathema: Holy shit.

Crowley: Wh—hnnngnk.

_Gabriel laughs._

Gabriel: Well, Mr. Crowley. Best of luck. You and Aziraphale will need it. I’ll see you in court!

_Gabriel laughs._

_(Wow, what an asshole.)_

Anathema: Wow. What an _asshole_.

Tracy: Well, that’s Mr. Gabriel. He’s never lost a case.

Crowley: Still. Aziraphale has worked with him since law school. And he just doesn’t even care.

_Tracy hands you a list of Prosecutorial Personnel._

Tracy: I’ve looked at all their schedules and it looks like everyone is in meetings now. But Ms. Riel should be out in just under an hour. If you go see Mr. Shadwell now, I can get you on her calendar for this afternoon?

Anathema: Oh, that’s perfect! Come on!

**August 12**

**Prosecutor’s Office**

**Security Room**

_As they approach, an elderly man with bad facial hair snarls at a map on the wall and jabs a pin into it. He is the security guard from the video._

Crowley: Oi!

Anathema: Hello, there!

Man: Aye, what is it then? How many nipples have ye got?

Anathema: Excuse me? Are you Mr. Shadwell?

Crowley: Wow, yeah, that’s really not cool.

Shadwell: Aye. And I’m asking the both of ye. Can’t be too careful, what with witches and demons about.

( _Is he calling us witches and demons? Well, I mean, Anathema and her whole book thing...that **is** a little..._)

Crowley: Anathema, maybe you should—

Anathema: All due respect, but _shut up_ , Crowley.

Shadwell: Answer me!

Crowley: Two.

Shadwell: Each?

Crowley: How the actual fuck should I—?

Anathema: _Yes._ Each.

( _Common sense, I guess._ )

Crowley: Look, I’m a defense attorney.

Shadwell: Really? Well, how nice for ye, laddie. This is the _prosecutorial_ office, I ought to tell ye. Might not find much to yer liking here.

Anathema: Oh, I don’t know. I can think of _one_ prosecutorial thing that’s _very_ much to his liking—

Crowley: Oi! Look, we just need to talk to you about the murder that took place here.

Shadwell: And why should I tell the likes of ye anything about it? I’ll not have ye going about sparing _murderers_.

Crowley: Everyone deserves a fair trial. You don’t really think Mr. Fell—

Shadwell: Oh, yes, the great pansy. Always knew ’twas something odd about that one.

_Crowley hisses._

Anathema: Calm down, boss.

_Crowley hisses and sputters._

Anathema: Can you tell us about when you found the body?

_**The Body** _

Shadwell: It was my usual rounds. I go around once an hour ye see? To see what’s about, get a feel for the lay of things.

Crowley: What did you see?

Shadwell: Nothing.

Anathema: Nothing?

Shadwell: Not a thing. Quiet, it was, too.

Crowley: What time do you start making your rounds?

Shadwell: I go around once an hour, like.

Crowley: Yeah, but what time do you start?

Shadwell: Usually not until about midnight. There’s Sergeant Milkbottle, what does the evenings, and Corporal...Smith, what does the mornings and afternoons.

Anathema: It’s morning now.

Crowley: So why are you here?

Shadwell: Well, I heard _ye’d_ be here, like, didn’t I? Or the police, anyhow. Needed to give me statement.

 _Crowley sighs_.

Shadwell: Listen, laddie. Ye seem like a man of means. You’ll be letting me know if you ever have need of my services, right? For a price.

Anathema: Wow, really?

Crowley: Wow. I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that. Please just finish your story.

Shadwell: Well, last night I started my rounds just after 12:30, went again about 1:30. And that’s when I found the body. Oh, horrible and mangled it was, burned and stabbed with Mr. Fell’s blade. Can’t imagine the ire he must have been in to take it to him like that.

Crowley: Can you...imagine him doing that at all?

Shadwell: Well, he’s not always a patient man, Mr. Fell. I daresay I hardly know what any of us is capable of.

_Crowley growls._

Anathema: Boss.

Crowley: Shut it.

Anathema: Can we ask you some questions then, about Mr. Fell?

Shadwell: If ye think you must.

( _Wow, what is this guy’s problem with Aziraphale?_ )

_**Mr. Fell** _

Crowley: Look, I don’t know what your problem is with Aziraphale, but everyone else I’ve talked to has said what I already know. He’s a good man. A tough prosecutor, sure, but he’d never just kill someone. And with that sword. It’s so distinctive. Why would he ever use that weapon, if that’s what he was going to do? Everyone knows it’s the trophy for Eden’s Prosecutor of the Year.

Shadwell: Ah, aye. But what ye don’t know, is the weapon used to belong to Mr. Phon. He was the junior prosecutor before Mr. Fell, and he was the Prosecutor of the Year just three years after being appointed.

Crowley: It only took Aziraphale a year to be Prosecutor of the Year.

Shadwell: That’s ma point! Sore spot. Bone of contention, like. Sandy always goading him, always prodding. Said he knew Fell would do anything to win a case. Anything at all. See what I mean? If Fell was crooked...

_Crowley advances on Shadwell. Anathema takes his wrist. Crowley growls._

Anathema: That’ll be all, thank you!

_Anathema pushes Crowley away from Shadwell._

Shadwell: Wait just a mo’.

Crowley: What?

Shadwell: I don’t know if this is anythin ye need. Likely I should give it to Chief Prosecutor Gabriel, but...

_Shadwell hands Crowley a gold ring emblazoned with angel wings._

( _Aziraphale’s ring.)_

Shadwell: It was left behind when the police moved the body.

Anathema: Oh no.

( _Oh, no. Aziraphale, please. Tell me there’s a good reason for this._ )

Anathema: I guess we’d better go find Ms. Riel.

**August 12**

**Prosecutor’s Office**

**Front Desk**

( _I hope Ms. Riel has something we can use._ )

_Dog barks._

Anathema: I don’t see her. Ms. Tracy said we could meet her here at 2:15, right?

_Adam and Dog run by. Dog is still barking._

Tracy: Coo-ee! Mr. Crowley! Ms. Riel is in meetings all afternoon. She won’t be able to meet with you after all.

Crowley: I don’t understand; I thought we were already on the schedule.

Tracy: Chief Prosecutor Gabriel called a meeting of the whole division—no one is available.

( _Well, that doesn’t bode well._ )

Anathema: He’s doing this on purpose.

Crowley: Some prosecutors really will do anything to get a guilty verdict.

Anathema: I don’t understand. Why do they hate Aziraphale so much? I thought he was their star. How can they just turn on him so quickly? Why are they so sure he’s guilty?

( _Maybe it doesn’t matter to them if he is or not._ )

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up: the trial begins.


	2. Trial: Day 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aziraphale's trial begins!

**August 13, 9:38 AM**

**District Court**

**Defendant Lobby No. 3**

Aziraphale: What are you doing here? I never asked you to defend me.

Crowley: Look, angel, you need all the help you can get.

Aziraphale: I can’t ask you to do this. It will destroy you! Your whole career!

Crowley: Well, then, it’s a good thing you didn’t ask. My decision. All right? Everybody’s supposed to get a defense. Even prosecutors.

Aziraphale: Even if they don’t deserve it?

_Crowley sighs_.

( _It’s now or never._ )

Crowley: Look, Aziraphale...it doesn’t look good for you. You were in the building earlier than you said, weren’t you? Just before midnight, when the murder occured. You’d tell me if you saw something, right? Or if you...if you’d done it. An accident, maybe.

Aziraphale: Why _should_ I tell you?

Crowley: Because maybe if...look, I could help you a different way. We could...go off together or something.

Anathema: Whoa, look, boss, I know you like Mr. Fell and all, but you wouldn’t really—

Aziraphale: Go off... _together_? Listen to yourself.

Anathema: Yeah. _Listen_ to yourself. That badge you wear means you swore to uphold the law. Both of you.

( _I know what I swore to do. And I know Aziraphale._ )

Crowley: Aziraphale, I know you. I remember you from when we were kids. You’ve always been a good person. I trust you.

( _Please, just tell me you didn’t do it. Just say the words._ )

Aziraphale: Crowley, I...I haven’t always done what I should. Maybe it’s time for me to face retribution.

**August 13, 9:46 AM**

**District Court**

**Courtroom No. 3**

Bailiff: All Rise.

**_Court Is Now In Session_ **

Judge: Court is now in session for the trial of Mr. Aziraphale Fell.

Crowley: The defense is ready, your honor.

Gabriel: Oh, the Prosecution is _ready_. You better believe it.

Judge: All right, Mr. Archangel, call your first witness.

Gabriel: I call Detective Newton Pulsifer, the chief investigating officer for this case.

_Newt takes the witness stand. He looks very reluctant and tired._

Judge: Will the witness please state his name and occupation for the court?

Newt: Detective Newton Pulsifer, Eden Police Department.

Gabriel: Detective Pulsifer, your testimony please.

Newt: ( _silence)_

Gabriel: Lay it on us.

_Crowley scoffs._

_**Newt’s Testimony** _

Newt: At about 2 AM, I received a call from Sergeant Shadwell at the Eden Prosecutors’ Office. He informed me that he had found a body that appeared to be that of one of the four prosecutors. I arrived and we were able to identify the body as that of Mr. Sandy L. Phon, and the weapon as belonging to Mr. Aziraphale Fell.

Gabriel: Thank you, Mr. Pulsifer.

_Gabriel offers the court a big smile, and bows._

Gabriel: Your witness, Mr. Crowley.

_**Cross-Examination** _

_Crowley looks through the evidence and grimaces._

Crowley: Could the witness please restate his testimony?

_Newt sighs._

Judge: I will not tolerate stalling, Mr. Crowley. Detective Pulsifer may repeat his testimony one time.

Newt: At about 2 am, I received a call from Sergeant Shadwell at the Eden Prosecutors’ Office. He informed me that he had found a body that appeared to be that of one of the four prosecutors.

Crowley: _**Objection!**_

Newt: Wh—?

Crowley: I have here a list of prosecutorial personnel. According to this list, there are—were _five_ prosecutors, not four. My client, the victim, Ms. Ursula Riel, Ms. Michael Vengeance, and, of course, the Chief Prosecutor, Mr. Gabriel Archangel. Five.

_Gabriel chortles._

Judge: It would appear the witness simply misspoke.

_Gabriel guffaws._

Gabriel: What is the significance of it, if the witness miscounted? That’s hardly germane.

Crowley: Well, it’s—I mean, if he forgot about someone, maybe he didn’t count correctly?

Judge: Mr. Crowley, do not waste the court’s time. Detective Pulsifer, did you forget about any of the prosecutors when you checked the building to see who was present?

Newt: No, I just...didn’t think of Mr. Archangel as just one of the prosecutors. Misspoke, as it were. Perhaps. But there was no one else in the building.

Gabriel: Not just one of the prosecutors.

_Gabriel bows._

Gabriel: Indeed.

Judge: Detective, please revise your statement and continue with your testimony.

Newt: Sergeant Shadwell informed me that he had found a body that appeared to be that of one of the five prosecutors. I arrived and we were able to identify the body as that of Mr. Sandy L. Phon, and the weapon as belonging to Mr. Aziraphale Fell.

Crowley: _**Hold it!**_

Newt: ...what?

Crowley: What time did you arrive?

Newt: About 2:10.

Crowley: And you searched the building at that time?

Newt: As I was examining the body, the uniformed officers searched the building.

Crowley: And no one was present?

Newt: Other than myself and Sergeant Shadwell, no.

Crowley: Anyone could have left the building between the time of the death and your arrival.

Newt: I suppose that’s fair.

Crowley: So how do you know that my client was involved? The weapon hardly proves anything—anyone could have taken it.

Anathema: Good one, boss.

Newt: Well, Mr. Fell’s office was locked. Only Mr. Fell and the building administrator would have a key.

Crowley: OK, well, why didn’t you arrest the building administrator?

Anathema: Whoa, boss...slow down.

Newt: After we searched the building, we watched the security video. From what I could see of the footage, Mr. Fell was the only one in the building at the time of the murder, aside from the victim and Sergeant Shadwell. In addition, we had a motive—Sergeant Shadwell and the other prosecutors confirmed that there was a rivalry between the two. Therefore, we arrested Mr. Fell.

Anathema: I don’t think this is going anywhere.

Crowley: Oh, it’s going _somewhere_ all right.

( _Nowhere good._ )

Crowley: No further questions for this witness.

Judge: This witness may leave the stand.

Gabriel: I’m sure. I’d like to call our next witness, Witchfinder Security Sergeant Shadwell.

Judge: Will the witness please state his name and occupation for the court?

Shadwell: Proud Sergeant of the Witchfinder Army—er Security team..

Judge: And your name.

Shadwell: Shadwell.

Judge: First name.

Shadwell: Eh? Sergeant, I suppose. If I’ve got to give it.

Judge: Right. Well, you may begin. Please tell the court what you found and what appeared on the security tape you showed Detective Pulsifer.

_**Shadwell’s Testimony** _

Shadwell: I can show ye the tape. Got it right here. Found the body about 10 minutes to 2. Didn’t hear anything, didn’t see anything. But I recognized that sword as the pansy’s. Not surprised because he’s always after him. Fell took it from Phon. Everyone said Fell outclassed Phon, but nobody cared. Phon still had more experience, more gravitas than Fell. A prosecutor’s prosecutor, he was. Not soft and poncy like some.

_Crowley is visibly seething_.

Anathema: Boss, _please_ calm down before you cross-examine.

Crowley: I AM CALM! Why do people keep—

Judge: Mr. Crowley, are we interrupting something?

_Crowley takes several deep breaths._

Crowley: Sorry. Right. Um. Sorry.

_Gabriel bows._

Gabriel: You do remember how this works?

_Crowley glowers._

Crowley: I’m ready, Your Honor.

Anathema: You’d better be. That testimony is a mess. Stick to the facts.

Crowley: Shut up.

Judge: Excuse me?

Crowley: My assistant, Your Honor.

_Judge shakes his head disapprovingly._

Judge: Mr. Shadwell, please repeat your testimony _one_ time for Mr. Crowley.

_**Cross-Examination** _

Shadwell: I can show ye the tape. Got it right here.

Crowley: _**Hold it!**_

Shadwell: Aye.

Crowley: OK. We have the tape in the court record. Let’s watch it.

Gabriel: Is that really necessary? Your Honor, this is a clear stalling tactic.

Crowley: Is it? Or is there something in the tape that exempts my client? There’s only one way to be sure.

_The tape begins._

_The video shows the darkened hallways. The timestamp is 11:23, and Aziraphale, clasping his hands together, is walking down the hall. Sandy L. Phon, approaching from the other direction with U. Riel and Michael Vengeance, stops him. They look to be having a conversation that grows heated. The others advance on Aziraphale and he backs up, against the wall. Phon’s body tightens and he leans forward, punching the junior prosecutor hard in the belly. Riel holds Aziraphale in place after._

_Riel, Phon, and Vengeance continue walking, leaving Aziraphale in place. Riel and Vengeance exit the building, but Phon turns around and heads in the opposite direction, presumably to return to his office. After a few moments, Aziraphale continues walking down the hall. The timestamp is 11:37._

Shadwell: So you can see that Fell was the last one in the building, besides Mr. Phon.

Crowley: But this video doesn’t show him walking toward Phon’s office with a flaming sword. This video shows Mr. Phon attacking _my client_.

Shadwell: Aye, there’s your motive. There’s another part to the video, laddie. I think ye ken well.

_The second part of the video (timestamp 11:45) shows Aziraphale walking in the opposite direction, back toward his office. At timestamp midnight there’s a flash on the screen, as of flames. After another minute, there’s rapid motion, and sudden darkness, then a blur of black as Sandy L. Phon’s slumped body appears just in view of the camera. At timestamp 1:52 A.M., Shadwell appears on camera. He stares down at the body and retrieves his cell phone from his pocket._

Crowley: I still don’t see Aziraphale Fell holding the weapon. Just a lot of blurry figures in the dark.

Shadwell: Aye, the hall lights go out at midnight. Makes it hard to see. But the flames on that sword I’d call hard to miss.

Crowley: The _flames_ don’t prove _anything_.

Gabriel: Your Honor, this is badgering.

Crowley: Fine. Mr. Shadwell, please continue your testimony.

Shadwell: Found the body about 10 minutes to 2. Didn’t hear anything, didn’t see anything. But I recognized that sword as the pansy’s. Not surprised because he’s always after him. Fell took it from Phon. Everyone said Fell outclassed Phon, but nobody cared.

Crowley: _**Objection!**_

_Crowley holds up the video as evidence._

Crowley: You just showed us, Mr. Shadwell—

Shadwell: _Sergeant_ Shadwell, if you please, laddie.

Crowley: You just showed us, _Sergeant_ Shadwell, that Mr. Fell did _not_ go after Mr. Phon. Quite the reverse. This video shows that that was the real pattern of behavior.

Gabriel: _**Objection!**_

Crowley: Satan, what now?

Gabriel: Nothing Mr. Shadwell says contradicts the idea that Mr. Phon went after Mr. Fell in that video. I believe that simply establishes motive. Can we move on?

Crowley: Oh, I don’t know, Archangel. Can we? I request the witness revise his testimony.

Judge: Please revise your testimony, Sergeant.

Gabriel: Oh, for Heaven’s sake!

Judge: Mr. Archangel. This is _my_ courtroom.

Shadwell: I wasn’t surprised to hear about the murder because Phon’s always after Fell. Fell took the sword from Phon. Everyone said Fell outclassed Phon, but nobody cared.

Crowley: _**Objection!**_

_Crowley presents the photo of the flaming sword to the court._

Judge: That’s…

Crowley: The murder weapon, Your Honor.

Crowley: This flaming sword is actually a trophy. Given to the Prosecutor of the Year. The prosecutor who won the most cases in a given year. This award was held by Chief Prosecutor Archangel for the last twenty years. It was given to Mr. Phon a few years ago, after he’d been a prosecutor for just three years. Then to Aziraphale—Fell—after just one year on the job.

Gabriel: _**Objection!**_

Judge: Yes?

Gabriel: The only reason that award is not still mine is that I was forced to step back due to the added responsibilities of my position as Chief Prosecutor.

Judge: That is not in dispute, Mr. Archangel.

Crowley: Yeah, it’s not—it’s _hardly germane._ Means no one cares.

_Gabriel bows._

Crowley: The point is, clearly _someone—_ a _number_ of someones—cared that Fell outclassed Phon. Aziraphale had been recognized very publicly by the All-Eden Prosecutors’ Association. He had no reason to want to eliminate Phon. Simply because Phon was no competition.

Gabriel: _**Objection!**_

Judge: Mr. Archangel! What now?

Gabriel: I do not assume that _murderers_ are _logical_.

Crowley: Well, that’s not really a point of order, you know?

Judge: Agreed. Mr. Archangel, you will restrain yourself.

_Gabriel bows._

Crowley: I have no further questions for this witness.

Gabriel: I’d like to call a colleague of Mr. Phon, Ms. Ursula Riel. I believe her testimony could further establish motive.

_U. Riel takes the stand._

Judge: Hello, Prosecutor Riel! Unusual times, these, are they not? A prosecutor for witness, victim and defendant.

( _What, are they best friends or something?_ )

Judge: Please state your name and occupation for the court.

U. Riel: Ursula Riel, Eden Senior Prosecutor.

Judge: Please begin your testimony.

_**U. Riel’s Testimony** _

U. Riel: Fell and Phon did not get along. Fell won the Prosecutor of the Year Award after only a year in the job. Sandy had had it the year before that after just three years prosecuting. That had been a record before Fell. And Fell was...protective of his award. I think it made Sandy jealous. He was always on edge around Fell. Always felt like he was needling him. Who knows what might have happened after Michael and I left that night. I already had to hold Fell back.

Gabriel: Perfect, U. Slam dunk.

( _Arrrgh._ )

Judge: Mr. Crowley, you may begin your cross-examination.

_**Cross-Examination** _

Crowley: Yeah, OK. Um, Ms. Riel, if you could just...one more time.

_U. Riel sighs. Gabriel tsks._

U. Riel: Fell and Phon didn’t get along. Fell won the Prosecutor of the Year Award after only a year in the job. Sandy had had it the year before that after just three years prosecuting. That had been a record before Fell. And Fell was...protective of his award.

Crowley: _**Objection!**_

U. Riel: You can’t just object because you don’t like hearing it.

Gabriel: That’s right. Good work, U.

Judge: The defense will refrain from objecting except where there is a contradiction. The witness will refrain from criticizing the defense. The prosecution will refrain from interfering with the cross-examination. Must I do everyone’s job for them?

Crowley: There _is_ a contradiction! Why is everyone assuming I don’t _like_ hearing it? I am _impartial_. Just doing my job here.

Judge: Please explain yourself, Mr. Crowley.

_Crowley holds up the photo of the body with the sword still embedded. There is blood on the handle and bits of charred flesh cling to the blade._

Crowley: If Az—Fell—was protective of his award, why would he use it as a murder weapon? Look, got bits of flesh on, yeah? Didn’t even pick it up and clean it off after. Doesn’t seem very protective.

_U. Riel frowns and looks away from the photo._

U. Riel: I can’t explain his actions. He’s an odd duck.

( _What is that supposed to mean? Why are people always making fun of ducks?_ )

U. Riel: But he was proud of the award. Or I should say, he was proud of having _won_ it. Don’t know that he cared much for the thing itself. Although...he was quite the fencer, you know?

Judge: Yes, I saw him fence with that very blade once. Appalling. Nearly gave it away to another fencer. I think he would have if I hadn’t spotted him.

U. Riel: Yeah, he knows how to handle a blade, I heard.

( _OK, that is not what I was hoping to get out of this._ )

Anathema: Nice going, boss.

Crowley: Shut it. At any rate, it hardly seems like he was protective of the weapon.

Judge: Please revise your testimony.

_Gabriel guffaws._

U. Riel: Fell and Phon didn’t get along. Fell won the Prosecutor of the Year Award after only a year in the job. Sandy had had it the year before that after just three years prosecuting. That had been a record before Fell. And Fell was proud of his award. I think it made Sandy jealous. He was always on edge around Fell. Always felt like he was needling him. Who knows what might have happened after Michael and I left that night. I already had to hold Fell back.

Crowley: _**Objection!**_

Gabriel: Tsk, tsk, tsk.

_U. Riel is silent._

_The judge is silent._

( _Why do I feel like I’ve walked into a trap?_ )

Gabriel: Well?

Judge: Please, present your evidence.

Gabriel: By all means. Go right ahead.

( _Shit. Nothing for it._ )

Crowley: I’d like to ask the court to take a look at the first part of this video.

_They watch the video again._

Crowley: This video clearly shows Mr. Phon attacking Mr. Fell. When Ms. Riel pushes Mr. Fell against the wall after, she’s holding him up after the attack, not stopping him from attacking Mr. Phon. He’d never attack anyone.

( _Shit, shit, shit. Why did I say that?_ )

Anathema: Good job except for that last sentence.

U. Riel: No? You poor, naive lawyer. You think Fell got that award by being _kind_ and _gentle_?

( _Obviously not. I’ve gone up against him in court. But that’s not the real Aziraphale. He’s a bit of a bastard, sure, but he’s so much more than that. I know he is. I remember._ )

Crowley: Beside the point, isn’t it? We’re talking about what we see on the tape. And that shows that my client did not attack Mr. Phon.

Gabriel: _**Objection!**_

Gabriel: I mean, no, it does _not_ show that Fell didn’t attack Phon. That is, in fact, what we are here to decide. In this court of law. If it were settled on this tape we wouldn’t need to do all of this. We could just skip to the good part: execution.

Crowley: You really think that’s justice?

Gabriel: Don’t talk to me about justice. I’m the Chief Fucking Prosecutor.

Crowley: Aziraphale did not lunge at Phon!

Gabriel: Not _then_ , maybe. But this tape doesn’t show the whole building. And you know what I _don’t_ see on this tape? I _don’t_ see Fell walking toward the exit. I _do_ see U and Michael walking toward the exit. So they left. Fell, on the other hand, turned around and went back to his office. So, if Fell wasn’t still in the building, why don’t we see him leaving?

Crowley: He used another exit, obviously. I mean, if no one was in the building when the police searched, then he must have.

Gabriel: But he was the only one who could have gotten into his office where the weapon was. _And_ he was the last one in the building. So he left later, big deal. Even a defense devil like you has to see what a weak argument you’re making.

Anathema: You know, he kind of has a poi—

Crowley: Shut it.

Anathema: But—

Judge: Mr. Crowley, please instruct your assistant to refrain from disrupting these proceedings.

Crowley: Yeah, just a sec.

Anathema: Crowley. Um, do you remember _The Nice And Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter_?

Crowley: Yeah, of course. Book girl. That’s why you’re book girl.

Anathema: She said, um, “More than Wone Exite, and More than Wone to Goe.”

Crowley: What the fuck does that mean?

Anathema: I actually think it’s pretty obvious this time.

Judge: Mr. Crowley, do you have anything to say? Or shall I hand down my verdict?

Crowley: All right, all right. Look, ah, my point is, uh, my point is...if Aziraphale left by another exit, so could anyone? I mean, anyone could have been in the building at the time of the murder and gone out by another door before the police search. _Probably_ not the other prosecutors we saw leaving, but you _definitely_ can’t prove it was Aziraphale. You know what I think? I think we ought to talk to this building administrator; they’re the _logical_ suspect.

_Gabriel smiles a cold smile that doesn’t reach his eyes._

Gabriel: Fine by me, sunshine. And just who is this building administrator you want to call to the stand?

( _He probably knows perfectly well who it is. He just wants to make this difficult._ )

Crowley: I need additional time to complete my investigation.

Gabriel: Tsk tsk tsk.

Judge: Court is hereby adjourned until tomorrow morning at 9am to allow for additional investigation.

_Gabriel bows._

**August 13**

**District Court**

**Defendant Lobby No. 3**

_Aziraphale is calmly drinking tea._

Crowley: Well fuck. Azirapahle, weren’t you watching?

Aziraphale: Of course I was. Couldn’t tear my eyes away from you.

_Aziraphale’s eyes travel over Crowley’s form. Anathema stares._

Crowley: _Ngk._

( _Shit, why does he **say** things like this. I’m trying to focus._)

Crowley: It’s not looking good, angel. They were so rude. So horrible and disrespectful to you. I’m sorry I couldn’t—

Aziraphale. Oh, do, please get a hold of yourself, Crowley. Good lord. I’m not some blushing maiden whose honor has been besmirched.

Crowley: The way they talk about you. Aziraphale, you can’t let them speak like that about you. You can’t be all right with it that they think you would just...kill a man over some trophy.

Aziraphale: Excuse me if I’m wrong, but I believe that is the point of a trial. And _your_ job is to defend me and win, no?

Crowley: You haven’t exactly given me much to go on.

Aziraphale: Yes, well. Perhaps...perhaps I’ve underestimated you. I thought I’d learned my lesson about that, but apparently not. Crowley, you asked for another day of investigation. Do you know what you’re looking for?

Crowley: The building administrator, right?

Aziraphale: Perhaps. But I think you might want to try searching the prosecutors’ offices. There might be something of value in there. If...if you do find it, come talk to me then.

_Newt appears._

Newt: Sorry, Mr. Fell, got to take you back now.

Aziraphale: Yes, quite. Newt?

Newt: Yes?

Aziraphale: Would you give Mr. Crowley the set of keys I had when you arrested me?

Newt: Well, technically...sure.

_Newt gives Crowley Aziraphale’s keys. The key ring is shaped like a serpent._

( _What is that about, I wonder?_ )

Anathema: Wow, really?


End file.
